Dear Uncle Snidely -- Henchmen

Dear Uncle Snidely,

Inspired by your example, I am setting up my own operation here in the mountains of British Columbia. I have an interesting proposal from a Chinese entrepreneur to provide henchmen for my budding empire at very reasonable rates. Should I pursue this offer?
--Ambitious Amoralist

My dear Amoralist,
I assume the fellow you are referring to is one of the Heathen Chinee that have infested the Lower Mainland like a Plague of Locusts, setting up their own Macao right here in our Beautiful Dominion. I can't say I'm much in favour of the idea of employing them, for Four Very Good Reasons. 



The Oriental wears his face like a Mask, it is impossible to read his responses and emotions. This inscrutability is a useful talent, allowing them to put up a facade that Real Canadians are unable to see through. The problem is, of course, that you will be unable to see through it as well.

The Chinee are ambitions, and you should never have to put your trust in someone who is plotting even now to displace you and take not only your Position, but also your Wealth and even your Good Name.

The Changs are Bloodthirsty Killers who think nothing whatever of killing dozens, thousands or millions, particularly of their own countrymen. A judiciously applied murder there and there is all fine and good, a necessary aspect of the Villain Business. Murder on the scale employed by the Chinese will attract the attention of the Army, and no villain needs that. It is manipulation of social status and The Law which yields our Supremacy, not Brute Force.

Finally, the sort of Lower Class Chinaman who will hold such employment is invariably an Opium Fiend, Helplessly In Thrall to the Sirens of Morpheus. Such habits, while rendering the victim easily manipulated, also make him useless for any endeavour requiring drive and dependability.

A Good Henchman has very different qualities indeed.

He first of all must be happy in the role of sidekick, perhaps envying your own wealth and position, but enjoying even more his own role in bringing it about.

Next, he must be Trustworthy and Dependable, and above all else, Diligent. The last thing an up and coming plotter and manipulator needs is to constantly worry whether the tasks set to his henchmen are actually being done. You must be free to execute the Larger Plan and let Lesser Men handle the details.

In our Free and Native Country, we have three basic choices when recruiting Henchmen.

The Irish are numerous, but their habit of slovenly drunkenness means they can only be used for tasks that involve the only things they love more than Demon Rum, those being Rutting like a Crazed Stoat, Gambling and Violence. If you have need to deliver a Savage Beating to an underling who has not performed to requirements, send an Irishman. Do you need a Crooked Croupier or Card Sharp? Or perhaps a Pimp? All ideal tasks for an Irishman.

While the French are both more intelligent and less dissolute in their habits than the Irish, this is indeed the Faintest of Possible Praises. They are ambitious, but tend to the sort of dim-witted ambition that leads to stabbing a colleague, rather than excelling at one's assignments. Frenchmen work better in groups, as they require a sort of mutual encouragement to overcome their natural distaste for work and innate desire to disappear into the woods for months at a time. Above all, a French Canadian is Vain. This can be a tool in your hand. A Bit of Flattery and he will do anything for you. Beware though, the wrong insult will end in a stabbing. I cannot emphasize enough, Do Not Let A French Canadian Have Knives.

Finally, Canucks make excellent henchmen. They are relatively intelligent, mild in habit and manner, and obedient without being obsequious. While overly fond of Beer, and Hockey, they never let these hobbies degenerate into the sort of Dissipative Orgies that the French and Irish are so fond of. The Canuck's drawback is the same as his strength, his diffident manner. If, say, some Problem Person's continued usage of precious air needs to come to an abrupt end, never send a Canadian to Deal With The Problem. He might kill, but only for personal reasons, never for advancement.

I hope this short guide to employing henchmen has been of some service to you, and I remain,

Your affectionate Uncle Snidely.