Dear Uncle Snidely -- Henchmen

Dear Uncle Snidely,

Inspired by your example, I am setting up my own operation here in the mountains of British Columbia. I have an interesting proposal from a Chinese entrepreneur to provide henchmen for my budding empire at very reasonable rates. Should I pursue this offer?
--Ambitious Amoralist

My dear Amoralist,
I assume the fellow you are referring to is one of the Heathen Chinee that have infested the Lower Mainland like a Plague of Locusts, setting up their own Macao right here in our Beautiful Dominion. I can't say I'm much in favour of the idea of employing them, for Four Very Good Reasons. 

Dear Uncle Snidely -- Results

Dear Uncle Snidely,
I write to you in dire need of council. Recently, I abducted my nemesis' lady friend and tied her to a train track carefully selected after weeks of study of the routines of the trains to ensure that when the "hero" arrived it would be at a precise moment of peril. In a magnificent stroke of planning, both of them were obliterated by the train.
But, to my great vexation, when I arrived back to my lair and turned on the TV, the only thing that the news networks were reporting was that The Train Is Fine. My abject victory of my nemesis has been ruined! What should I do now? Do I need to start over with a new nemesis? The Evil Legion of Evil surely isn't going to accept this as sufficient grounds for membership now.
Signed,
Vexed in Alberta

My Dear Vexed
So you're the vile criminal who delayed the 8:45 from Regina to Saskatoon! I remind you not only am I an Upstanding Citizen of this Great Province, I am also majority shareholder of Northern Alberta Railway and Mining Limited (NARML). My first thought is to set the Mounties on you. It would serve you right, that little delay cost me over $200 Canadian. A wise man though, never reacts in anger.