Friday, January 15, 2016

Dear Uncle Snidely

Dear Uncle Snidely
I have a serious problem. I can't seem to impress or inspire the affection of any of the young ladies I meet. My life is rapidly become a lonely struggle against despair. I see that you never seem to lack for feminine company. Please teach me how can I win with the ladies.
Ladyless Loser

 Dear Loser
Once, I was much like you. As an Actor and Comedian, one would think I would have had my choice of Companionship. Particularly as actresses as a class are, let us not term them Strumpets, but rather Girls Who Are Liberal in Their Affections. I did all those things Boys are told will impress women, Pay them pretty compliments, be Eager and Helpful to them when they needed assistance, treat them with Respect. None of it did any good.
I have told the story before of how I became the Storied Colossus of Albertan Finance. Abandoned, penniless, friendless in a near-Arctic frontier town, I turned at first to menial labor. I took a job minding horses at the local House of Ill Repute. This employment opened my eyes to a Great Many Realities of Life that my upbringing, and especially my reading of Romantic Novels, had sheltered me from.

The First of these Truths is that women do not respect men who respect them too much. If you treat a girl as a virtual Goddess that you are not worthy of, she will believe you are not worthy of her. Pay her compliments, yes, but partial compliments. "That dress really improves your figure" for an instance, or "I don't normally care for red hair, but on you it doesn't look bad".

The second Truth of Women is that women like Cads. I cannot tell you how many Prairie Princesses have offered their all to me when I was foreclosing on their father's farm. Initially, of course, they hoped to dissuade me from executing my Fiduciary Duties in collecting monies owed. Yet, even after they had been used and discarded, and the title taken and their families ejected from what they had wrongly thought to be their home, no small number  arrived at my door, more than Half Drunk and less than Half Dressed, demanding an interview.

For women are attracted to Power. Power in their minds might be Money, Status, Position, Education, or in the lower classes and amongst the Irish, even Physical Strength and Violence. Confidence is Concomitant to Power and cannot be neglected. In plain speech, many Men in your position lack only the confidence needed to win the ladies.

To win a woman, you must be Superior to her. That is why College Professors, no matter their manners, their looks, or their habits, often seem to be swimming in the Affection of young ladies.

Third, it should go without saying, you must be attractive and well-groomed. If you have the least ounce of flab, remove it! If you need to change your style of dress, do so immediately! If you fear for your competence in this arena, ask the advice of a lady or even a Nancy, if you know any. Just keep in mind that any woman you ask for fashion advice, will never, ever, give you her Affection.

Finally, it is common for young men to fixate on a particular young lady, setting all his hopes and thoughts on her. The problem with this is obvious. It gives her the Whip Hand. She is free at any time to dismiss him and worse, she can use his fixation to manipulate him. Even if she is not the type to exploit this weakness, at the least spot of trouble in their Relationship, the fellow will panic and begin supplicating, virtually Crawling on His Belly in pursuit of her. Since a woman is not attracted to any man who is not Superior to herself, any affection she does feel will rapidly die, never to return.

Best of Luck, your Affectionate Uncle Snidely.

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